If we were having coffee this weekend, it would have to be in my family room, on the couch, because I’m still on bedrest. The good news is that means Baby Boy and I have made it another four weeks to 32 weeks, which is WAY better than 28. The bad news is I’M STILL SITTING ON THE COUCH. It’s making me a little batty.
Truthfully, I feel a bit emotional. My husband would remind me now that I’ve always been an emotional person, and it’s true. But I feel all tangled up. I can be surrounded by my family but feel lonely at the same time, or be busy reading lots of books and blogging about them and feel bored at the same time. I feel proud of myself for resting for the sake of my baby and guilty at the same time that I’m not able to do more for my three girls or my wonderful husband. I’m thankful for the support of my employer and worried at the same time that I’ve caused them such a headache by being out of work. Everyone tells me “oh don’t feel guilty, don’t feel bad, you’re doing what you need to do.” And it’s true – I am. And I appreciate that feedback. I’m taking care of myself and my son (which, btw, after three girls still feels weird to say!). But that doesn’t negate the other emotions. I try not to dwell on them, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in lots of years of therapy it’s that ignoring them and pretending they don’t exist is worse: I need to feel them, acknowledge them, and move on. So, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I’d also mention two other things (aside from the fact that I haven’t actually HAD coffee in over a month…and I’ve just started wanting it in the last few days. weird). First, it would be that I’m also emotional about things outside the bedrest situation, particularly the current abuse scandal in the Catholic Church. I’ve cried about it at least once, spent lots of time thinking about it and reading about. What I haven’t done is pray about it, which I’m realizing as I type… I feel immeasurable sadness. Disappointment. Distrust. But at the same time I haven’t lost my faith in or love for the Church, and that sometimes feels hard to square. I’m not angry; a lot of people are and I get that. I think I feel mostly grief.
Lastly, I would tell you that today, August 19th, is mine and my husband’s twelfth wedding anniversary! We are celebrating in style, on the couch (ha!). There’s nothing out of the ordinary to mark the day except the constant knowledge that despite our youth and naivete about the world (though we wouldn’t have admitted it at the time), at the young ages of 21 and 22, twelve years ago today we made the best decision of our lives and married each other. Life is a crazy road, and we just commented this morning that we couldn’t have ever pictured where we are right now – but I am perpetually grateful that I have him by my side to navigate this crazy train. Love is a beautiful thing 🙂
(Weekend Coffee Share is hosted by Eclectic Alli – check out the other posts this weekend and add one of your own!)